All Things Internet Donald Trump Would Make Disappear in 2016

Now that we’re ankle deep in 2016, I’m going to tell you about all things Internet I wish would disappear this year.

As a WordPress web designer, blogger, and social media fanatic, I make my living on the Internet. I spend half my life in digital reality. I type so much that using the phone is like a revelation. So, I see what’s happening in the virtual landscape and I’m tellin’ ya, it ain’t pretty.

Sadly, I’m starting to hate the Web.

To properly rant about what I’m hating on the Internet, I’ll channel the world’s favorite blowhard, Donald Trump. That guy really tells it like it is without filter or fallback, making his a perfect voice for my rant.

So here it is, all things Internet I wish would disappear in 2016!

Pompous Bragging

You know those blogging gurus who love to spout how much money they make with their blog? I can’t stand those folks and I’ll tell you why: they’re so intent on making you think they’re winners, they actually look like losers!

They guys used titles like, ‘How I Make $100,000 a Month on Affiliate Ads and You Can Too!’ They have all the panache of a foreclosed real estate salesman.

If they’re making so much money on their blog, why do they also want your money for telling you how to do it?

Don’t get me wrong, blogging gurus are good people, they love me.

But, don’t these pompous braggers know that talking about money is considered bad form? It’s right up there with politics and religion in the list of topics you don’t talk about in public. It’s tacky. Not classy at all and yet some of them – I’m not naming names here – make it part of their schtick to blab about their inflated incomes.

Are they trying to make people feel bad about their own revenues? Probably. Do they really think people who pay them for seminars are going to be able to achieve similar success? Hardly likely. They’re just laughing all the way to the bank.

Hacking

This past year, hacking was out of control around the world and I’ll tell you why: we are giving way too much Internet access to the Russians, the Chinese, and the Turks, and what do they do? They hack our websites. They make us spend umpteen hours – when we could be productively blogging – to protect our sites and clean up the messes they make.

Not only do we lose time to hackers, we lose money to security companies to protect our sites. But the hackers still get in and it makes me wonder if the security services are in cahoots with the hackers. Maybe they split my security subscription fees, who knows?

What I would do is tell Bill Gates to just shut down the Internet. I would build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —to keep the hackers out of the Internet. And I would make hackers pay for that wall!

Spamming

Talking about losers, let me tell you about spammers. These are people with something to sell, but are so slimy they can’t sell things without fooling people into clicking their emails. So now, I can’t look at my email inbox without sifting through a thousand messages that say things like, “ 7 inches naturally  in 7 seconds!” and “Do her in bed like you used to!” It’s disgusting! I don’t even want to talk about it, it’s so disgusting.

And that’s just the email spammers making the Internet hell. There’s also those referrer spammers who use fake URLs to hit your site to make your site inadvertently link back to the spammer’s site. It’s a joke! They only do it to get indexed by search engines and maybe it doesn’t hurt your site, but it does muck up your analytics. I mean, how can you show a potential advertiser your stats when they’re going to see a bunch of 100% bounces and 100% new users and referrals from traffic2cash.xyz and boost-my-site.com. It’s a disaster!

If I controlled the Internet, what I would say is, Listen you m—–f——, we’re going to tax you 25 percent on every buck you make by spamming. And that would be the end of spamming.

Content Scraping

There’s another shady operator I wish would disappear and that’s the content scraper. These bozos are so lazy and lacking in ideas they literally scrape the text, the links and the images from your blog post and slap it onto their site, just so they can boost their rankings.

Oh yeah, then you find out they’re outranking your original post. If I caught one of my people scraping posts, I’d say, you’re fired! When I find that my posts have been scraped and posted somewhere, I tell those bastards, I’m suing you. They say, well, we gave you credit in the footer – even though they took the bi-line at the top – and I say, you’ve got no permission, buddy, take it down. And if their site is on WordPress.com or Tumbler or Wix, I just email their host and they take the page down, or else their whole site! It’s beautiful!

One of the key problems today is that blogging is such a disgrace. Not enough good people go into blogging.

Robo-Posting

And while I’m talking about content scrapers, I’ll tell you about robo-posters. Those people are so dumb about blogging they have to use online tools to put together posts that you and I can crank out using our brains. And yet, because they’re focused on SEO, these posts rank and end up filling the Internet with crap.

These robo-posts are often based on existing posts, so it’s all derivative. I mean, you’d think they would add a few personalized sentences of their own ideas, or at the very least correct misspellings and replace obvious boilerplate sentences, ‘cuz you know, they didn’t even write the thing.

But no, robo-posters send a few keywords through SEO Article Generator, and poof! They get a badly composed, keyword-heavy post they can put up and get traffic. Google doesn’t care even though they say they do. Google even gives you tools to scrape posts at the same time they advise against the practice. And nobody cares!

Trolling

Speaking of not caring, how is it that creepy trolls are able to post on the Internet? What kind of world do we live in where faceless, nameless scumbags can say whatever they hell they want on the Internet and get away with it? Why does Facebook and Twitter let this happen? Social media is supposed to be social, not sociopathic.

If I were running the Internet I’d fire Mark Zuckerberg. I mean, I’d look him right in that cute, boyish face of his, and I’d say, ‘Mark, you’re fired.’ Cuz he’s not doing his job. He’s not cutting off people that make Facebook so unpleasant. And, he’s allowing too many pictures of  breast feeding women to show up! That’s disgusting!

And I’d fire Jack Dorsey from Twitter, because he lets twits tweet junk out without being real people. Twitter lets anybody create 2000 accounts and just retweet themselves until all you see in a stream is the same tweet for a mile. It’s disgusting. There was a time when you could spot fake Twitter accounts but now that fakers put up pictures and profile descriptions that include words like, ”guru,” “geek,” “beer,” “alcohol” and “fanatic” and it’s all bullshit.

The Internet would be a much classier place if I was in charge.

Enough Donald Trump

Thank you, Mr. Trump, for your masterful use of diplomacy in describing your views of the Internet. As for your candidacy, good luck with that!

So, dear readers, what bugs you about the Internet? If you were in charge of the Web, what would you change? I’d love to know.

Please feel free to comment in the voice of your own favorite blowhard.